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Hold my hand

Hold my hand

Junked upon the operation table, i ponder in my own thoughts. Albeit being processed as a specimen under a team of an anesthetic, a junior doctor, a senior surgeon and two nurses, it sounds quite wacky to be delirious like this. But it’s me….With my smart-mind inside this tiny head.
Since last night I have not been able to doze off at all. Who can sleep in such  cramps and pangs? All these chilling sounds around are making me even more high-strung and jittery. Though I was already aware of all that’s coming forth. As we discussed earlier (me and mumma). But as this comes to the real picture it’s really shaking my legs and letting me loose my pace.
Every now and then someone comes and disturb my yoga-posture (that mental one..Remember?). I am trying hard to calm down my anxiety. But nothing’s working out..
It’s been half an hour since all these scissors and spatulas are dancing around me. But no gain. smart-mind mutters sarcastically…hmm…something fishy going on. It’s constantly rumbling inside….What the hell were these morons capturing during their medical trainings and experiences? Look at the way they are banking on to each other in this petite operation of mine?? … Ok, not particularly mine…

After a 50 minutes of hard struggle, finally I am through. Thanks to the holy God for putting an end to all the suffering and worries spreading around just few minutes back. I am done with my first experience of being handled by these white-coat-wearers. I feel a vibe of bliss and elation in the air. I am still in a mild sleep.This could be due to tiredness after a lengthy operation. Smart-mind guesses. I am slightly unconscious as well.
On spur of a moment I feel a sudden change around me. In my atmosphere? Have they regulated the AC? Am I being splashed with water? Am I falling down? I can’t feel anything exactly. What’s going on?  Am I being beaten? Smart-mind inquires, in-spite of being aware of my unaware condition.

I feel hard taps on my back. Crap..this one hurts me badly. I can’t breath.  I almost throw up in the air and a gush of unknown sort of vapor enters through my lungs evading my life-liquid out of me. A gulp of air chocking my throat with a strong smell of sanitizers and cleaning agents mixed with chemical vapors and mild perfumes. I can’t take it any more. I cough hard and cry out…and louder….and continued…But these doctors are inhuman in nature…Why in the world are they ignoring my trouble?..I can’t see them but sure can sense the humiliation seeping inside me..I can’t take it anymore.

I open up my eyes…I try to….

What the f***? Is there any silent explosion out there? or is this a flash of thousand suns at a time?  Do they want to blind me focusing extreme light on my tiny-winy eyes? Smart-mind can’t let me give up like this?..I squeeze my lids tightly and blink hard several times. Until I manage to stare at the source of light hitting me hard and that led lamp surrenders and kneels down to power of my sight. I have now managed to blink and stare alternately. And it’s working well. Now I have made up my mind to deal with any such  condition on my own.

I am shifted to a new room where a nurse wipes me with a soft towel dipped in some sanitizing liquid and then wraps me all over in a full sized cloth even tying up my fragile limbs. Just leaving my fur-coated soft pink face to peek outside. Has she lost it? I muttered.. but she is busy enough to hear me. It seems that she has done this to avoid my body get scratched with my own nails. Yes, I had a sight of my over grown nails.
I guess she is getting me wrong. Why would anybody harm his/her own self. I am just being trendy. Well I am not in a condition to resist to her actions or share my precious view with the mid aged-freaking-fat-lady. May be she is not told to analyze a patient’s sensibility before wrapping them around not even letting them adjust their limbs on their own.

After 15 minutes of tidy arrangements. I am allowed to meet my loved once. Although I have always been here amid these people, yet I feel so emotional and high on hormones to see my family in real after the scary session inside the theater. I can’t hold my emotions. How stupid I have been to think if I could make it to see them along. It feels amazing to be with them.

My father slowly reaches his hand towards my face as I stare in his big deep eyes without a blink. I want to capture this moment in my heart for ever. Ad-mist of the fact that time will fade this moment from the canvas of my memory after a few years. i hope I had a camera to click it.
He brushes my cheek with his forefinger and smiles through the folded corner of his lips. I reciprocate the same way. We both maintaining our silence in different ways. May be he doesn’t want to divulge his feelings in front of others. But I can sense what he is feeling Inside.

He is thrilled to see me alive, at the same time scared to touch me. He wants to kiss me, but he will not do that until we two are left alone with mumma in this room…. I know him. I am still staring at him and now he is view turns confused. May be he wants to know what my stare means?? He is always like that.. When mumma wants something she can’t just leave it to papa to understand and do it for her. Every time she has to tell him for what she is actually willing for. And now he is behaving the same way with me. Come on papa…Try hard…get my mind…I opt to keep silence…He gives up…But where is mumma?? Where has she been? She should have been here??

Finally…I get to see her. I am mesmerized, as I move closer to her inch by inch. Looking at her…Feeling her..In a new way. She has always been with me . Through out my journey. From my first day of life to the day of my birth…today….She has always been with me.. For me…with all her care, efforts, concern and love. There have been myriad incidents when she felt down. Felt dizzy, nervous and scared as well. But, she never gave up. Neither let me feel her pain ever.

She stood tough and strong..More then ever…More then everything she had tried for….Before me …She is a fighter…And caregiver at the same time. She is my strength and soul… One, who brought me to life. And let my head rest in papa’s lap for the first time. Papa put me by her side on the white bed-sheet. She is laying in a weird straight posture…I know what’s going on inside her now. What pain she is going through. What sufferings she has crossed…just to see me.

As she rolls her hand through my hairs, I lock my stare at her. For the first time i am feeling her through my eyes. And she is beautiful, pure as my life-water and just perfect. She is my world. She reads my words and a drop of tear that slowly rolls down merging into her loose hairs. We were One few minutes back mom…How would I manage outside…She holds my hands into her finger and grabs it tightly…

Smriti Srivastava
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